Sunday, April 23, 2006

Super Sunday Double Post

I recently returned from California, where I went for a quick three and a half day business trip. I received a phone call last Sunday from my unidentified mother, who we will henceforth refer to as "Mom," requesting my help for a few days with the "family business." While I may one day be able to reveal what the "family business" is, it is currently a "family secret," so let's leave it at I went home to "take direction" and "do business things." It may have had to do with "waste management" and "candy shops," but I can't really reveal that, can I.

On a sad sidenote, I am always the person on the airplane who hits their head on the overhead compartment, and it is always embarrassing.

Hi, my name is Ronnie and I trust in science

My brother-in-law thinks he knows a lot, and I know that I know a lot, so we have a few ongoing arguments. He says that power tools are for building and repairing things, even though I know for a fact that power tools are for accidently cutting off digits or limbs. He says that bobcats don't pose a great threat to humans, even though everyone knows that bobcats eat faces. Dogs play, owls read, and bobcats, like mountain lions, eat faces. It's as if Ronnie doesn't have fearful relatives or access to Southern California news. I mean, where is he getting his information? Experts? Common knowledge? Personal experience? Unreliable. Next he is going to say that it's possible to use a ladder without breaking your neck, or to go hiking without breaking your neck. Wise up, Ronnie. It's a dangerous world.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

I'll Rub Your Lower Back, Tell You All My Dreams

First, an update on General Hospital: I turned on the TV a few days ago, and what do I see? A woman telling a secret to a tombstone! Come on!

I apologize for the lack of posting lately. We still do not have the Internet at our new house because we have to get a county permit to allow a cable cord to be run under the dirt road leading to our house. The good news is that we may get a new service called "electricity" within the next few years, which is rumored to allow people to see at night.

Our new house is off of Old Las Vegas Highway, which unfortunately does not lead to Las Vegas. (If my geode business doesn't take off soon, I plan to earn a living by playing nickel slots.)

There is an old bus that parks on the side of Old Las Vegas Highway and sells Cajun food. According to my inside sources, who have requested that they remain anonymous, the man who runs the Cajun food mobile is planning to run for president in 2008. If neither my geode business nor my nickel slots venture takes off, I am considering offering my services as a campaign manager. I think that his entrepreneurial skills and carefree "to hell with health standards" attitude would take him straight to the top. Plus, he's offering something that the other candidates won't- Cajun food. I only have a few hesitations about my new career move:
1) the man has absolutely no qualifications
2) even a preliminary background check would guarantee jail time
3) he has no proof of citizenship
4) I don't like Cajun food

Monday, April 03, 2006

These Are the Days of Our Lives

Today I watched five minutes of General Hospital, but I learned a lifetime of lessons. The only other time I have watched General Hospital was a few weeks ago, when I turned on the TV and saw a handsome, anguished man revealing a startling paternity secret to a tiny baby in a hospital bassinet. Little did he know that there was a woman in the doorway behind him listening to the entire thing!! Well, when I turned on the TV today, what did I see but a woman baring her soul to a tiny baby in a hospital bassinet!! You never tell your secrets OUT LOUD to a baby, or a mirror, or a corpse in its coffin- there is always someone listening. As I am now a nanny, I thought this was a particularly timely lesson to learn. No longer will I put the babies to sleep by whispering them my ATM pin numbers, or keep them entertained by explaining who in the family is cheating on their taxes, because someone is always crouched behind the counter hearing every word I say. Always.

The other lesson I learned was that if I am fooling around in a hotel room and we start trying to put ice from the champagne bucket down each other's backs, we need to keep the screaming to a minimum because we won't hear the man with the gun entering the room!! I mean, sure, there might be someone directly behind him who will shoot him if he tries to shoot us, but we really shouldn't be counting on it. It will only happen two, maybe three, times.