Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Piece of Cake

Problem: wedding cake

Every bride-to-be says these words: "Groom-to-be and I tasted our wedding cake last week and it is the best cake we've ever had." When I was a child and thought like a child, I took the happy couple at their word. Now that I am an adult, I realize that wedding cake is actually the worst cake in the world. While the bride and groom taste freshly baked mini cakes, wedding cake is actually baked days before the wedding, and it is made in bulk. Anyone who has ever tried to turn spaghetti for four into spaghetti for forty knows that a multiplied recipe never tastes as good as the original, even when the math is done correctly.

Solution: Leighton's shawarma cake

Since the best cake in the world is obviously Pillsbury's Moist Supreme Funfetti cake with Betty Crocker's Rainbow Chip frosting, but since it would look sloppy to have a table at the reception covered in homemade cakes, I have decided that the ideal way to serve this to a large crowd would be in the style of the shawarma: bake twenty Funfetti cakes, pile them on a vertical spit, ice the tower of cakes, and then hire someone with a machete to shave off slices.

When this takes off, I would like you to remember where you first read about it.

Thursday, July 03, 2008


My sister just purchased two Furbies (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Furby) to alleviate the pain caused by the death of her oversized cell phone (http://100visionsandrevisions.blogspot.com/2007/10/motelona.html). I don't know why she is replacing human relationships with machines, but I feel there is nothing I can say that will make her believe that her phone and her Furbies won't come to life one day and truly love her. I blame Hollywood. They have used films and TV shows to push an agenda that machines and humans can carry on healthy relationships. It's no accident that Alan Thicke was cast as the father in "Still Not Quite Human." The producers knew that his boyish charm would subtly influence the American public into thinking that machines can be trusted. It's tragic to admit how this myth has affected my own family.

I'm getting off topic. My point is that my sister has purchased two talkative little Furbies. They speak Furbish, a language with obvious Mandarin origins. My new exposure to Furbish has gotten me thinking. I have been studying Mandarin for a year and a half, and I know roughly 600 of the 3,000 words that I will need to achieve proficiency. I have been studying Furbish for one day, and I know 10 of the 36 words that I will need to achieve totally mastery. I have run the numbers, and it just makes more sense for me to learn Furbish. Are the same career opportunities going to present themselves if I speak Furbish instead of Mandarin? Realistically, no. But I don't need twenty great job offers after law school, just one. I need one interviewer at a law firm that focuses on international law to look at my resume and say, "Hey, we are interested in opening up an office in the Democratic Republic of Furbieland, and we need someone fluent in Furbish to head it up." And there we go. I really foresee great things.