Thursday, August 17, 2006

Safety gates

A few years ago, my dad told me that, if I so desired, I could live at home forever. I thanked him, laughed, and moved to New York. Two years later, I have returned to the homestead, I am redecorating my room, and I defy you to ever make me leave again.

My parents live in a gated community to protect us all from south Orange County riff raff. My parents used to tell me never to leave the gates, and for the first time in my life, I plan on obeying that order. I am hiding out, moving by the shadows of night. The best way for me to stay hidden is to remain within the community gates, and beyond that, to remain within the walls of my house.

The only problem with this community, besides all of the people, is the community association oligarchy that has obviously made Nazi Germany their model for running things. If we leave our trash cans in the street after the Monday morning trash pick up, we get fined. If we park our own cars on the street in front of our own house, we get fined. At one association meeting (they pretend to be democratic), one board member recommended a rule forcing all skateboard wheels to be replaced with special "quieter" wheels. Surprisingly, it was not enacted. As of September 1, a photo ID will be required to use the community gym or pool, so I had to get my picture taken in front of an enormous American flag. They then tried to insert the 2x3" card into my forehead, but I said enough was enough.

Still, can you blame them? This is Orange County. I need to know that I can walk around my neighborhood at 8pm and not get harrassed by a young kid with spiky hair and a big truck and expensive sunglasses or a hot mom on her way back from a tennis match. It's a dangerous world, and I'm not taking any chances.


Blogger Aaron Byrd said...

When my sister visited my parents in their gated community a few years ago, she parked her car on the street in front of their house and left it there for three or four days. Apparently this was against the community's bylaws, because the next door neighbor--without taking the trouble to ask my parents if they knew anything about the car--actually tried to have it towed away.

6:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And I would have been booted out long ago - Some weeks I stare at our trash bin sitting on the sidewalk next to the street for days wondering why I don't just pull it back to the house - I drive in the garage, rush to turn off the alarm before it wakes the dead and never think another thought of the bin until I'm driving away the next morning in too much of a rush to take the time.....the nieghbors all think we are red necks.....and they are probably right.....Hope you are eating all your favorite foods made by Mom!!! And give her a hug......Di

3:16 PM  
Blogger jon hansen said...

when is someone going to thank nazi germany for providing us with scores of negative references and metaphors? i think stalin would be upset as well.

10:03 PM  

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