Safety gates

A few years ago, my dad told me that, if I so desired, I could live at home forever. I thanked him, laughed, and moved to New York. Two years later, I have returned to the homestead, I am redecorating my room, and I defy you to ever make me leave again.

My parents live in a gated community to protect us all from south Orange County riff raff. My parents used to tell me never to leave the gates, and for the first time in my life, I plan on obeying that order. I am hiding out, moving by the shadows of night. The best way for me to stay hidden is to remain within the community gates, and beyond that, to remain within the walls of my house.

The only problem with this community, besides all of the people, is the community association oligarchy that has obviously made Nazi Germany their model for running things. If we leave our trash cans in the street after the Monday morning trash pick up, we get fined. If we park our own cars on the street in front of our own house, we get fined. At one association meeting (they pretend to be democratic), one board member recommended a rule forcing all skateboard wheels to be replaced with special "quieter" wheels. Surprisingly, it was not enacted. As of September 1, a photo ID will be required to use the community gym or pool, so I had to get my picture taken in front of an enormous American flag. They then tried to insert the 2x3" card into my forehead, but I said enough was enough.

Still, can you blame them? This is Orange County. I need to know that I can walk around my neighborhood at 8pm and not get harrassed by a young kid with spiky hair and a big truck and expensive sunglasses or a hot mom on her way back from a tennis match. It's a dangerous world, and I'm not taking any chances.